The Ed and the Flying Ship
by Fellow dork
Summary: Based on a Russian folktale made famous by Rabbit Ears and Robin Williams , this is the story of a fool of a boy Ed and his adventures as he tries to woo the Princess Nazz . On the way he meets many, many strange characters...will he win the girl?
1. Our Hero

This is a story that took place a long, long time ago in a faraway land that I can't remember the name of right now. This land was ruled by a cruel Queen...or Tzaress or Ruler or whatever you want to call her, who had a young cousin. This cousin was beautiful and fair, but pretty much dumb as a post. The Princess Nazz was her name, though everyone who disliked her called her the 'Daughter Of The Dragon"...the Dragon being Queen Sarah, of course.

Also in this kingdom were many peasants, of course, and our story focuses on one in particular...who we'll visit now.

~*~*~

Let's see...about the time the royal proclamation was given, our hero, Ed, was...well...asleep. You see, Ed was the youngest of of three brothers, and his two other brothers were a lot smarter than him. A LOT. At least according to their parents. Anyway, his two brothers tease tease and taunt him all night, and so when he was supposed to be doing his chores, he fell asleep with his head in the chicken feed.

"Wake up, you idiot! You're supposed to be feeding the chickens, not sleeping with them!"

"Huh?" Ed grunts, lifting his head, coated with chicken seed, and looking at his borthers through half-lidded eyes. "What'd I do?"

"You almost missed the royal proclamation, peasant boy."

"What?! Lemme see it!"

"Mom and dad have it, you fool. Try and keep up."

With that, the two boys raced off, leaving Ed in the dust with the squawking chickens. Pulling himself up, he dusted his green jacket and brown pants off, beginning the long trek back to his house.

~*~*~

When he got there, drool immediately began to pool in his mouth, for he could smell his mother cooking one of her famous feasts - rolls, meats, brandy, and potato pancakes, plus so much more. Passing the window into his parent's bedroom, he sees his father packing bags full of gorgeous clothes, fancy jackets, and gold belts. "Whoa..." Ed breathed, stopping in his tracks for a moment before running full-speed into his house. "MOM! DAD! Food and pretty things, please!"

His mother, standing at the stove, didn't even turn, but merely waved a hand at them. "It's for your brothers, my simple lamb. Go sit down and I'll read the proclamation to you."

Singing, Ed moved to the table and sat down with a thump, beginning to read he parchment for himself (since he was clearly capable of doing so).

Attention all my royal subjects-

The Princess Nazz is ready for marriage-

and so, in the intrest of finding her a suitable husband,

I royally decree that any man

who shows up at my door in a flying ship

will get the girl,

no questions asked.

And

HURRY UP!

Queen Sarah

Ed reads this last bit aloud to himself disbelievingly. "A flying ship? but those only are true in the comics!"

"Shut your mouth, before your curse your brothers' trip!" His mother scolded sharply, wrapping the food up in a blanket.

"Brothers? They're going?" Ed asks, turning and watching the food disappear into a basket, drool dripping out of the corner of his mouth.

"Of course, dummkopf (I APOLOGIZE FOR SPELLING! THAT'S SUCH A COOL WORD!). They're leaving right away."

"But mom, I want to go too!" Ed cried, leaping to his feet.

"Oh, Ed, of course not," his mother cooed, walking by with the basket and giving her youngest boy a sharp pinch on the ear. "You'd be eaten by wolves before you even left the house."

Sitting back down, Ed watched in a daze as his parents gave his brothers the wonderful feast and clothes, and his father blessed both boys with a smile on his face.

The brothers left the house and walked down the road, and their harsh laughter rang in Ed's ears for hours.

And his brothers were never heard from again.

~*~*~

Some times passed, and finally, Ed decided to make the journey for himself, for he wanted his father's blessings and his mother's wonderful food. When he told his parents, though, they both laughed. "What? You'll get lost before you take three steps, simple one!" His father giggles, shaking his head.

His mother, though, was a bit nicer, and finally conceded to let him go. "But if you get eaten by wolves, don't you even think about coming home."

Ed got very excited, expecting a warm goodbye and his father's blessing for the journey - but all he got was a small leather bag full of stale breadcrusts and a wave as he left. A sigh escaped his lips as he followed his brothers' footsteps.


	2. The Ship and the Old Man

Of course he wasn't eaten by wolves, silly!

After walking for a long while, Ed came upon a forest, thick with trees and boulders. Beginning to peacefully weave his way through the tall maze of trees, Ed suddenly crossed the path of a small, wrinkled old man with large, white eyebrows, the man bent over almost double. "Where are you going, young man?" he asked, his voice high-pitched, shaky, and reedy.

Ed blinked, holding his small blanket tightly. After a moment of thought, he smiled, nodding. "I'm gonna go marry the princess Nazz!" He paused, scratching his head. "But i gotta get a flying ship first."

"How do you plan on doing that?" The old man asked.

Our fool, though, had not thought that far ahead, and simply shrugged. "I dunno...it worked for Space-Age Jim, galactic universe protector and alien bounty hunter."

"Well then, let's rest a bit and have a bit to eat." The man said carefully, ignoring the last bit of Ed's outburst.

"Oh..." Ed looked down at his blanket, frowning and remembering what was inside. "I don't have much, mister. but...if you want some, I can share." He offered the man a big, friendly grin, and the man consented.

So the two sat down on some convenient boulders and Ed began to unpack his meager ration of food. As he began to pull it open, though, the familiar puddle of drool collected in his gaping mouth and his eyes popped open wide.

There, instead of the stale breadcrusts, were bottles of brandy, fine cheeses, tons of cooked meats, gravy boats filled to the top with creamy, thick gravy, and fine china trimmed in gold! All of Ed's favorite food and more came pouring out of the folds of his blanket, covering the floor with more than enough for two. The old man and our hero ate and ate, talking and laughing until they could eat no more! And before he knew it, Ed had fallen asleep leaning against a large, wide tree.

*~*~*

Waking up a few hours later, Ed sleepily looked around for his new friend, but the old man was nowhere to be seen.

Standing up, Ed stretched and put out his hand to for support against the tree he had been sleeping on. When he did so, his hand didn't meet rough, dirty bark, but the smooth, polished hull of a huge ship!

Turning to face the gigantic vessel, Ed's eyes popped open. "Whoa...Man, I'm good!" Ed yelled, laughing and beginning to dance around the ship. "I can even do this in my sleep!" Ed laughed as he climbed up onto the deck. Turning the wheel happily to the direction of the Queen's palace, the beautiful ship leapt into the air and sailed off across the countryside.


	3. The Eater and the Runner

It was amazing, the ship actually flew! And when I say flew, I really mean it. Among the clouds it soared, and Ed was having the time of his life! Soon, though, our hero was brought to a stop by the sight of a tall, thin man carrying a huge roasted pig over one shoulder. (No, it's not Wilfred. Collective sigh of relief!)  
Hovering the ship a little bit off of the ground, Ed leaned over the side and waved, calling out happily. "Hello!! What are you doing walking all alone?"  
The man looked up and smiled, showing his large mouth, tan skin, and bright blue hair. He answered right away, in a cheerful voice with a strange accent. "Hallo there! I am simply looking for a meal, thankyouverymuch!"  
Ed tilted his head, confused. "But you got enough to eat for days, mister!"  
"Please call me Rolf, fool! And this?" He asked, tapping the pig with one brown hand. "This is hardly a mouthful for Rolf, just a puny scrap!"  
Ed bit on his lip, then shrugged and held out his hand. "I'm on my way to the Queens palace to marry the Princess Nazz...You can come! There'll be lots of food!"  
After thinking a moment, Rolf the Eater came aboard and they took off, sailing again across the beautiful countryside.

They hadn't traveled far when they met another lone traveler on the road below. This man was also very thin, but he wasn't as tall as the Eater. The strangest thing, though, about this boy, was not the black had perched on his head or how stick-like his arms were, it was the fact that he had one foot tied behind his head and he hopped quickly and expertly on the free foot!  
Pulling the ship to a stop, Ed leaned over the side and waved, yet again. "Hello there, Mister Pegleg!" His loud, cheerful voice startled the man, making him screech to a sudden halt, pinwheeling his arms and yelping as he tried to stay balanced. "Why are you hopping on one foot?" The Fool yelled, not noticing the distress of the man.  
"Oh dear, oh dear...I'm only using one foot, dear fellow, because if I used both, I would move faster than the speed of sound. Why," The boy started, grinning and showing a small gap between the front teeth of his smile and sparkling, bright eyes. "I'd be at the equator before anyone could blink!"  
Ed, grinning, waved the man aboard eagerly. "We're going to the Queen's palace! You should come, I'm sure she'll need a fast messenger!" So, upon introducing himself as Double-D, the runner hopped aboard and they sped off.


End file.
